Gym, Thrasher and some MILFS

Irene Anderson; this WOMAN does not take steroids at all - at all!

I don’t get the gym.  It’s like every time you go there all social norms get thrown out the window.  Men and women become segregated; people are wearing all kinds of weird shit – spandex is cool, camel- toes are in! I don’t get it!

I don’t mean to other them, because I myself am an avid gym-goer. But seriously gym people are weird.

I arrive at gym last night, driving at about 20kms – because I am a woman driver, and you know, it’s a parking lot and I don’t want to hit anything. When I am suddenly blinded by the lights of a Hummer h3, covered in Monster stickers (like from the energy drink), coming up from the rear. This giant man hoots before overtaking me and taking my intended parking spot! I am offended by so many things at this point in time, not only because he has taken my parking, not only because he has the Monster logo tattooed on his biceps, not only because this man looks like he has swallowed a thousand balloons... But what offends me the most is his license plate: Thrshr ZN (that's thrasher ZN) seriously, what exactly does he thrash? Weights? Small children? His girlfriend? I am not amused!

This is not Thrasher ZN, but it might as well be - same
mentality - same stupid tattoo!

Finally after circling the block several times I am able to park and enter the gym.

Madonna the MILF

I am a small girl, but I do believe that it is important to do weights. Friends, I am not talking about 'pumping' hundreds of Kg's here. I mean little weights, just for definition. But the weight room is a dangerous zone. All the Steroid-crazed men and women frequent this section. I don't ever feel confident here. I like to do the bum machine thought. But I always have to adjust it from around 150Kg's to 50Kg's. The man/lady next to me calls me a Pussy! I scuttle back to the treadmills and cycle machines, I am safe here. But I find myself surrounded by MILFS (a group of middle-aged women who dress like prostitutes, acronym for Mother I Wanna F...). Thrasher ZN is leaning against the bike near me. Maybe I should go for a swim instead. But to get to the pool I have to bypass the restaurant. Restaurant! What the hell! This place has the mentality of a pimp. Keep us fat and we will have to keep coming here. Sneaky. You sit and cycle whilst the smell of delicious food wafts past you. The second you finish your workout you sit down to a hamburger!

Hmmm healthy after a good workout!

The most offensive place in a gym has to be the change room. All the unfit women tend to collect there, huge mounds of sweaty flesh all pink from exercise. What are they doing there you may ask, they aren't doing any exercise that is for sure. Mostly they gather in the sauna. People; there is no quick fix to getting skinny. If you weigh 200 Kilograms, sweating for twenty minutes is not going to help you! And why is everybody naked? It is a change room; you change from your clothes into other clothes. There are people in there who do not want to see your vagina. We can see into that sauna - you are ruining it for the rest of us! I go right into the corner, my back to the wall, and use my gym towel to cover myself so that not an inch of skin can be seen. The cleaner has been sitting in the same spot since I first started going to this gym. She has a way of looking at me - through me - as if she can see right into my soul. I realise that my back is against a mirror not a wall. The cleaner is staring at my butt not my soul. Fuuuuck!
Just as I think this place has shown me everything I come across this beauty.

Please excuse the bad quality of this image, I do not take
 all my photographic equipment with me to exercise!

What is this; a gym for hobos! Who is going to gym with a wash-basket full of soiled laundry and some Omo - ready to get elbow deep into their housework! I can't do this any more. From now on I am going to jog around my block, just me and the road. Gym is bad for you, very bad!

Durban International Film Festival OMFG

I am in here somewhere throwing my name away at the opening cocktail party.

I am a strange creature, almost immune to social norms and it takes a lot to embarrass me. But this year's Durban International Film Festival definitely taught me a lesson. It has been years since I last felt the need to hide my face in shame after a night out. Unfortunately I may have thrown my name away in front of some very important people. Let me tell you all about it.

Every year I look forward to this amazing film festival. Being a film maker myself, I see it as an opportunity to do some networking and to be inspired by other artists. So when I got offered an all-access pass to DIFF as a movie reviewer I was in my absolute element. This also meant that I got to go to the openings and cocktail parties - an absolute must on anybody's social calendar. This is seriously one of the best events of the year, so, as usual I fucked it up! 

Me and my beloved Baws (why am I still drinking)!

The Opening

The night started with the launch of the movie Elelwani at the 33rd opening at Suncoast Casino, from there we were invited to the SUNdeck of the casino for a cocktail party.  My colleges (including my boss) and I had arranged to stay the night on Florida Road so that we were free to indulge in all the free cocktails.

When we arrived we instantly migrated to the bar upstairs for one glass of wine because we were a little early and quite frankly none of us had a clue who these "famous" people were that we were meant to mingle with. One glass turned into two and I was already tipsy!

Because of the decision to indulge in drinks, we got to the screening a little late, just as the opening speech was going on. My boss (affectionately known as Baws) turns to me and says: "There is no way we are going to walk in on this crowd. We are going to dinner instead." I am slightly relieved, but unsure if this will be rude or not. To which Baws replied that HE is the baws and I do as HE says - if I know what's good for me! So we put our popcorn down and marched to some buffet dinner place where we carried on drinking and did not eat nearly enough to equalize all that liquid. 

Sibongile Khumalo and her band
at the opening night.

Then we stumbled outside to the SUNdeck cocktail party where we were confronted with a motherload of drinks and the cutest canapés you have ever seen. (Seriously there was mini versions of every type of food, even mini bunny chows and soup in shot glasses!) The Baws and I were then met by our sober colleges and that is where it gets a little bit hazy! But from the reports and  what I am able to piece together, my night looks a little bit like this:

11ish - I am desperately trying to throw food down my throat so as to sober up. I find myself next to a young director that I used to know. I vaguely recall giving him hugs. I was later told that I kept holding his hand and that I may have tried to cup his balls! (I do not believe the latter as I did have drinks with this man a few nights later and he assured me that his balls were touched by none.) Absolute humiliation!

The cocktail party

12ish -  The party is dying down and we decide to go to Boulevard, a club on Florida Road. What happens is that the taxi stops outside our place instead and my colleague tries to get me to go to bed. Sneaky plan. I throw up in the rose bushes, then run after him.

Boulevard on Florida Road.

1ish - We arrive at Boulevard. I get another drink. My Baws and I check out the talent scene. We are disappointed. I accidently throw my glass at someone's face. I was later told that when I tried to say sorry he took me around the corner but my Baws saved me.

2ish - Blank...

3ish - I finally get to my bed and end up spooning with a Brazilian woman. I have no idea where she came from! (Brazil I guess.)

7am - Woken up by my Baws. Make a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and go to work!

That is a glass of wine, but I am a sober girl in this photo!

 The Closing

So after all that debauchery I decided to do the closing ceremony with a little more class. I had tea instead of wine at pre - drinks, I arrived on time for the speech. I sat like a lady and watched the film and just as my sparkling little halo was about to shine  I ascended the stairway to the after party... And there were those damned free drinks again!

A friend of mine was in town so I arranged to give her my free pass while I made sure that the bouncer remembered my face. Our little plan worked and pretty soon we were on the balcony indulging in the most amazing conversations with the most amazing people drinking the most amazing drinks and having some yummy snacks. What I didn't count on was the fact that whilst I had been such a good girl all day, my friend had been drinking since five, it was now past eleven.

She had been talking to a friend of mine from one of the local bands and somehow the topic ended up being about women. Specifically naked women's boobs being thrust in ones faces. We ended up at Wonderlounge.

We were drunk, and our  hostess's name was Coco! I was so excited because I had a pocket full of tens and I have always wanted to shove those down a strippers thong! I had been to Wonderlounge once before, but got thrown out on a technicality - I was not aware that you were not allowed to touch the strippers (so when I accidently slapped one on the butt and told her to hop like a cute bunny, they were not impressed). We were ready to pay for our table dance when my friend announced that she was going to get sick. I found her on the bathroom floor... I promised to return to her with a pie (yes a meat pie), convinced that this was a cure! When  I arrived back armed with the promised cargo, I was met at the door by Coco, carrying my girl. I never knew Coco had such big guns! This is the second time I have been thrown out of this club. It was time for the night to end. And with it ended the 33rd annual Durban International Film Festival. I can't wait till next year!    

Oh and there were some amazing films also...