Australia Trip: The start

Leaving my beautiful country (well this is Jo'burg and it is a shit hole, but the rest of SA is paradise)!

Guday mate, my mom and I decided to go on a little holiday to Australia to visit our family, attend a wedding and get drunk for my birthday. It has been three days of pure Australian bliss - But it hasn't always been like this. Let me tell you about the fantastic trip from South Africa to Australia... I am lying it was crap!

1Time you bastards!

It was not the actual flight, I love flying. But the little incidents along the way. By accident (and pure laziness) I left the planning of the flights to a month before our departure in November. So this meant that our only choice for international flights were from Johannesburg... I live five hours away from this city. So I had to get a national flight from Durban to Jo'burg. Our flight was also a stop over so that means I have to fly from Durban to Jo'burg to Bangkok to Melbourne. Sounds reasonable. Until 1Time Airline decided to go bankrupt leaving us stranded in Durban. Our only choice was to take the bus to Jo'burg. The bus people! You don't understand... In South Africa taking a bus is not just unglamorous it is playing Russian Roulette with your life - only with Russian Roulette there is more chance of survival.

This is what your average public transport looks like in SA.

As soon as I saw the bus I realised that I would have to grow some large balls. Our driver took our luggage and with a few groans chucked it into the depth of the bus. I am sure I heard something shatter. He then chased us onto the bus and told us to find a place. We were not allowed our seats that we had booked, those were apparently reserved for some hitch hiking hookers. I heard my mom calling him a Shit. I had to sit next to a really smelly man and my mom got a farting old lady - We were thrilled! I said hello to my apparent hobo companion, he just ignored me. His hands were so brown for a white man, that Boksburg kind of dirty - where you just knew he was on some kind of cheap Heroine. Our bus took only five hours to get to OR Thambo International (it should have taken eight). I kept hearing a strange knocking sound. I thought it was my bag but mom said it was a loose axle. Fook I was so happy to arrive alive! This is me post bus ordeal.

Take the bus they said, it will be fun they said!

After a ten hour flight my mom and I landed in Bangkok. I wish that I had more time to spend in this country. Thailand is just an amazing country for a visit, but for the two hours that I spent in the airport... Total shit hole! We landed at 5am - it was already 30 degrees Celsius and climbing. The air is so humid you look and feel as though you are in a sauna (I actually love this kind of weather). The first thing we did was check in for our next flight, this involved going through border control. I don't think Bangkok sees many South Africans because the stares I got at the airport, especially from children, made me feel like a real foreigner.

One bus trip and one flight meant that I had not
slept in two days. This smile is fake people.
There is no wonder the Asian community were staring!

The boarder security is really strict in Thailand. You know that feeling when you drive past the police and you know you have nothing to hide but you feel guilty anyway? Well that is what it is like in the airport. Everybody assumes that if you are foreign you have a kilo of coke up your bum-bum. I damn near got strip searched just for smiling at an officer! My mom and I had to remove our belts, jewellery and shoes before going through an x-ray machine. Our bags were then searched. It is really embarrassing to have all your make-up displayed on the counter, the officer held up my fake eyelashes and asked me what  I use them for. You try explaining that to a man that barely speaks English! I then had my cleanser, deodorant and Spritzer confiscated because they were over the 100ml limit. It is a terrible thing to see expensive cosmetics being thrown in the bin. The least they could have done is given them to the homeless. Might I just add that the border security guard did allow me to keep my scissors - obviously they were not as dangerous as my R800 cleanser! Bastards!

I did manage to sneak a shot of our sexy hostesses, yowzer Asians are hot!

After having my soul and my dignity taken from me I was released onto the plane. There was a really large Australian woman who wore a silk pinafore,  the kind you are forced to wear to your sisters wedding as her bridesmaid. Her arms were bare except for two really large smokers patches. She kept shouting at her husband and telling him to find her her seat. The poor man was then verbally assaulted by an air hostess for pushing in line. I ordered a whiskey.



Just a light refreshment.

I love Thai Airways, our attendant kept topping up my glass. Next thing I knew I was woken up by my mom as we landed in Melbourne. Finally after leaving on Friday I had arrived to a beautiful night time city scape on Sunday. I was about to step off the plane when a large burly woman, the one with the smoking patches, pushed me out of her way. Her spindly husband following in her wake with all their luggage in tow.

I do not look good after two days with no sleep!

Finally I had arrived, I was safe and back on solid ground. My Uncie and cousin were there to rescue mom and I. The first wildlife I saw in Aus...The biggest mo-fo spider you have ever seen! I realised I will need even bigger balls to visit Australia!

This friends is only part one of my wonderful trip, there is more fun to be had. Love you all!

Madam Zingara; El Milagro

This waiter wished that he had never run away from home to join the circus.

Have you ever seen a clown? I grew up in the 90s. Ask any 90s kid what they fear the most and they will scream "CLOWNS" before collapsing in a heap of their own faecal matter and tears. I am the same, just the thought has sent me into a fit of shivers. I blame it on the 1990 Stephen King movie IT, the worst movie ever created. I can say with one-hundred percent confidence this movie has caused a public epidemic. So when I was greeted by a hideous clown at Madam Zinagra's, I nearly died!

I have tried to keep this horrifying image
small, I am so, so sorry if this ruins your life!
LOOK AWAY!

I have wanted to see a Madam Zingara show since I heard about it last year. To be honest the talk was a lot less about the show than about the signature dish; the chilli chocolate steak. I love Cirque du Soleil, I love chocolate and I love to eat. This is the perfect show for me. So when our department was offered free tickets to go, I snapped up the opportunity! Luckily the clown in the parking lot was the only one I saw that night - and I saw him only once (no doubt he was stabbed to death by a mob of angry twenty some-things).
The first thing I did was take a million photos. The tent is one of the last remaining old mirrored tents. Her name is Victoria and she is truly a sight to behold. Her surrounds look like what you would expect from any carnie - but classier. All of the guests were dressed up to a slightly adult theme which created the most amazing atmosphere.

This is us, just hanging out on a car...

Trying as she did, the girl couldn't wrap her tongue around that lolly! 

Whilst waiting for our show to begin we headed to one of the many bars for a tequila and a G&T, where we met a beautiful Mexican man (well he was from Durban, but dressed as a Mexican) and bought him a few shots- just as lubrication, he already had his shirt off! We spent a fortune - only to have a waiter bring us a tray of free cocktails!
For those who forgot to dress up there was Bijoux Boutique, which sold everything from feather boas to a strange banana penis which squirted out some kind of liquid on unsuspecting circus goers. But all in the name of fun. I couldn't wait for my boss to see it. Speaking of boss, the man was late. By the time Madam Zingara ushered us into our little booth he was still trudging around the parking lot.

Not your average boutique.

Eventually boss arrived, and so did our wonderful waitress. We all ordered the legendary steak and settled in with two bottles of dry white to enjoy the show. I just have to tell you that when our amuse bouche  came it was carried by a waiter...a Mexican man waiter. That bastard had been drinking our tequilas all night (which we had been trying to get him drunk on) and was now going to be serving our meals. Shiza!

Inside our Victoria, it is a cosy place...

This is what Victoria's insides look like. Take note of her velvety texture, her beautiful stained glass windows and mirrors. Her stage is central making her a supper theatre in the round. And that heart... I love hearts!

After some of the most spectacular performances, finally the moment I had been waiting for... my chilli chocolate steak arrived. And what a surprise it was...it had hair. My boss, after much inspection, picked up his potato hair ball and asked us "What does one do with this"? We all made a little pile of hair on a spare plate and dug into our main. I am not sure exactly what it was that I expected to taste. I expected an angel chorus - the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end... Do you know what it tasted like? That meal that I had waited two years to sample? It tasted like a very rare steak covered in chocolate sauce. This is what my guru Phuntsog has been telling me about, my earthly expectations were too high and I ended up with disappointment. I make a mental note to share this experience with my Buddhist class. Not that it was not good. It was OK. I just preferred the pasta.

Chilli Chocolate meh... Looks good though.

The sexy Mongolian Contortionist was on next. Much to the crowd's, or rather the men's, appreciation. There was a point where one could not tell her inside from her outside, her up from her down or her ass from her face. My stomach felt unsettled. I was not the only one. During the applause and fox whistles, my boss turned to me in horror and shrieked "That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen"! As amazing as her abilities are, I am glad we ate in between the acts because I could barely keep that steak down. There were some amazing Russian strong men. They were my favourite act, and they finished the show off with a bang!

Ziggy the Mongolian Contortionist.

Russian strength act.

On our right the Mongolian Contortionist - nuff said. To our left the Russian Strongmen - note how their skimpy outfits reveal their talent. And below our very own South African act. Who doesn't love a slippery wet bath scene...I am told that those in the front were not as pleased! 

Christine loves a bath!

What an amazing show. I would definitely recommend it, and I will definitely be going again next year. The best part about the evening was being able to spend it with good friends. Oh and Hot Mr. C-  Yes I almost forgot this amazing, strange creature. I guess he is the resident clown - but I was not afraid of him. In fact I am quite tolerant of clowns now, especially this one.

Hot Mr. C and me.