Christmas Concert at The City Hall

The City Hall in all its splendor

Christmas Carols. Yes I said it. I went to a Christmas Carol evening, but it was sponsored by our company so really I was at a work function, lets call it a work function!

I hate Christmas...

I am the Grinch. I absolutely hate Christmas. I hate the tacky décor. I hate that we pretend there is snow when we live in the Southern hemisphere. I hate that you have to get all anxious about your presents and have to pretend to be happy when you are given grey panties. Most of all I hate that there are people who are too poor to celebrate Christmas and this puts me in the worst mood around December. AND THE SHITTY CAROLS! I hate Jingle Bells, I hate Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and I absolutely cannot stand that awful abortion that is The Little Drummer Boy! Mince pies yuck! Those Christmas cakes that are one hundred years old and filled with brandy- not edible and that pudding with money in it... How does one get excited about a cake filled with five cent pieces that inevitably shatter your teeth - and the pudding is shit anyway! You see what I mean? I really hate Christmas.

I love this man! I love anybody
that brings me food!

There I was in my Sunday best off to The City Hall to watch a Christmas Carol evening, I took Luli just so I wouldn't have to suffer alone. I was already in a bad mood - it being Christmas and all. The skies were pouring and my windscreen wipers decided not to work. So we drove in the storm, Luli with his arm out the window manually operating the windscreen wiper and myself laughing hysterically.
When we got to the City Hall I was greeted by a man I could only assume was a colleague.  We chatted as we walked but I could not introduce him to Luli because I really did not know his name. I felt so terrible because here this man was, being all sweet and I had not a clue who he was. As soon as we entered the hall he was met by his family and what a relief... he thought I was his daughter and Luli was my husband (how does one forget what their own child looks like)! Thank God I could blame it all on him!

Partying at the City Hall balcony... awww!

I loved the show! I really expected to be bored out of my mind but Singing those carols really made it fun. Now don't get me wrong, I still hate Christmas, but any evening that encompasses a sing-along and a lot of wine really makes a great evening out. I am sitting here hoarse with a hangover and I have such fond memories of the beautiful City Hall with its organ and disco lights. Oh and it is such fun to sing: Gloooooo hooooo hoooo hooo hooooo (breath) hoooo hooooria 

"I fucking love Christmas!"

The highlight of the evening has to be when the jazz singer Natalie Rungan finished a Maria Carey Christmas song and a really old granny squawked "NO MORE"! Natalie was all taken aback and a little hurt, but the granny's family quickly covered up for her and yelled: "SHE SAID ENCORE"! Ya right...
The worst thing that happened; Local singer Ruby Gill played The Little Drummer Boy - TWICE Fuuuuck seriously twice, my worst carol... with her brother actually playing the drums.



I asked some my colleagues what their worst Christmas gift was (they all asked to remain anonymous), here are their responses:

"It was this belt...the most hideous belt you have ever seen. It was bejewelled,  huge and blingy.  If you had taken the time to get to know me you would never have bought it."

"I once got a bicycle pump...I don't own a bicycle."

"I think the worst gift was a hot dog warmer...there is a steel pipe where the roll does and a metal cage for the sausages."

"Oh ya - Nothing... Not a single gift was the worst gift of all."

"I once got a little thing that you stick your hand in when you have painted your nails and it blows on them... a nail polish dryer."

"Tupperware - it was from the latest range I was told."

"Last year I received umbrella covers. They are like plastic tubes that you put over your closed umbrella." 

The fucks going on here?

I suddenly remembered the worst gift I had ever received; it was an avo with two drawn-on eyes! I was busy recounting this tale with much hilarity when I suddenly remembered that this was actually a gift that I had given someone! To that person (I think it was Megan Legan) I am so sorry... But serves you right for loving Christmas!

Here are my top Christmas hates:

1. Spending money on other people.

 2. Boney M Christmas CD -    Especially that Drummer Boy crap!

 3. Turducken! Who stuffs a duck which is obviously pregnant with a chicken into a turkey? Who does this? And here we have our G list ZAleb Nataniel pretending he is actually going to cook this Frankenstein!

4. The mall at Christmas (in fact I hate a crowded mall at any time of year). 
5. And also why do we put fake snow and Santa in his winter kit when we live in the Southern Hemisphere!WHY!

6. That bastard neighbour who trashes your street-cred with his tacky night time graffiti.









7. Christmas lights. Is it their sneaky plan to get all tangled? I always pack mine away nicely - it is as if they spend all year deliberately tangling and knotting themselves just so that they can laugh at you when you spend days trying to put them up!

This is probably on their
wish list too.

8. This intellectual fecal matter has actually made the New York Times best selling Paperback Trade Fiction of 2012, which means that there are many horny housewives who have added it to their wishlist.

I was lucky enough to get a pic of the actual Santa here.

9. You can't even enjoy the food because there is too much of it. You end up bloated on the couch all sad because that Christmas chocolate looks so yummy and you just can't fit it in!

10. Zwarte Piet, the Dutch equivalent of Santa's little helpers. What kind of Racist Bullshit is this!

I hate Christmas but I love you! Here's wishing you all the most merry Christmas filled with love and family and cheer and chocolate - And alcohol - plenty of alcohol. Love you!

Yes Santa take it all bitch!

Australian Trip: The animals

 

I have not been this afraid since Britney Spears shaved her head.
Those big rat-bastards ate all three bags of my Kangoo - Kibble and when that was finished they ate the bags too! 

Now as you already know I have seen a Huntsman spider. Actually I have seen three of these evil bastards. But this amazing country has a lot more to offer than just a mother of a huge spider (they are the size of dinner plates- lord help me). As soon as I got here I had to have a look at the country's big two, that would be the kangoo's and Koalas. But I really really wanted to get my hands on a Wombat and a Platypus.

The Sightings

I will have you know I spotted a Possum on my first day. He apparently lives in a box of old rags in my uncles shed. Upon the sound of rustling coming from a nearby tree. My mother did proclaim that we were under attack, and that there were men hiding in the bushes waiting to rape and pillage our home! My uncie, a former South African, understood her terror, but reassured her that it was a Brushtail Possum and that it meant no harm. I was lucky enough to see both the Brushtail and Ringtail Possum (the Ringtail lived in a tree in my cousins yard, he would wait for the stray cat to leave and then eat all the goodies in the veggie patch).
Interesting facts: There are hundreds of street merchants all over Melbourne who sell Possum knit jerseys. Apparently they are one of the worlds warmest hollow-fibres. Unfortunately one does not simply shave a Possum, hey must be hunted.



Kooki perched on top of Cocky.

I was also lucky enough to see my Uncies resident Kookaburra (top left). Every evening he is to be found between Cocki's cage or the washing line swooping down to eat some worms.
Cocki is my uncles pet Yellow-crested Cockatoo. In South Africa we pay thousands for one of these ugly parrots, but here they are native. I am told that they often will flock in and run riot over a farmers crop leaving chaos and destruction in there wake. It is for this reason that farmers will often go out and shoot hundreds of them, they are like Australia's Pigeon. Cocky was a patient at my uncles veterinary practice having suffered a broken wing. He was nursed back to health in Uncies yard and then released. Cocky obviously favours his cage because whenever he is released he just flies onto the porch and knocks on a window until somebody puts him back in his cage. I was lucky enough to see a whole flock of Cockys sitting in a tree.
Interesting Facts: Once kept in captivity it is unlawful to release a Cockatoo, obviously Cocky is a straight and narrow kinda guy.

Chilling!
Koalas do not like to get wet!

On the second day of my holiday we were off to spot some wild Koalas. I searched high and low on our trip to Apollo Bay when suddenly I spotted one. We all jumped out of the car and took about a billion photos of this one guy high up on a branch. But friends I will give you the best advice - I wish someone had told me his fact - One should not be spotting Koalas, it is best to look out for a large congregation of cars and tourist buses. As we turned the corner from our poor lonesome Koala we spotted the rest of the heard, hundreds of them sitting (and shitting) above all the tourists below. I am told that it is rare to see them in the wild, but there were hundreds.
Interesting Facts: Koalas are not friends, they are scary as hell and if you get close enough to one their body odour is incredibly pungent, an obvious deterring mechanism. If this fails they are host to razor sharp teeth and claws like a ninety-year-old grandmas feet.  

Lucky to be alive.
I took this pic before he started scratching
and moulting all over my jacket.

Kangaroo... Just the way I like it!

On our third day adventure we set off to Ballarat Wildlife Park to feed some Kangaroos and to see my beloved Wombat and Platypus. I have never been so excited in my life! Kangaroos everywhere! I was so delighted when a little Joey hopped my way and ate his Kangaroo- kibbles from my hand. I was lulled into a false sense of security by this bastard. He had obviously told his gang of Kangoos and before I knew it they were in attack mode. I barely made it out alive. I was lucky to see these creatures two weeks later in their natural habitat (that is to say a farmers crop). I had to zoom in on this pic, but there you go, in the middle left corner those bastards are bouncing  about. In a kind of poetic justice, after taking this pic I settled down to a nice Kangaroo roast.

Interesting Facts: Kangaroos cannot be farmed as they are a national emblem. They are however hunted for their meat as it is lean and tasty, the hunting also acts to cull the population. Also there is a lot to say about a Kangaroos genitals but I will leave it to you to google those facts... 

Pickles is five-months-old.

I am in love with his little piggy snout.

Here he is; Pickles the baby Wombat! I was so so excite to scratch his little baby head! I want a little Wombie soo bad! And then I got to see the Hairy- nosed Wombat. Slightly larger than the common Wombat but so damn cute!

Interesting Facts: Wombats make cubed poops! I do not understand the intricacies of their sphincters, but there you go... Cubes!

Ahhh nature you are so... Cubist!

I am yet to see my elusive Platypus in the wild. I am told that they are very rare and extremely shy, but I was lucky enough to spot one at the mall.
 

Platypus... Not quite what I expected, but in Australia you expect the unexpected!

After all is said and done I must admit that I do actually have love for the Kangaroo and the Koala and I hope to see them again very soon.

 

After finishing all his kibble, Boris ate the bag as well!

Australia Trip: The start

Leaving my beautiful country (well this is Jo'burg and it is a shit hole, but the rest of SA is paradise)!

Guday mate, my mom and I decided to go on a little holiday to Australia to visit our family, attend a wedding and get drunk for my birthday. It has been three days of pure Australian bliss - But it hasn't always been like this. Let me tell you about the fantastic trip from South Africa to Australia... I am lying it was crap!

1Time you bastards!

It was not the actual flight, I love flying. But the little incidents along the way. By accident (and pure laziness) I left the planning of the flights to a month before our departure in November. So this meant that our only choice for international flights were from Johannesburg... I live five hours away from this city. So I had to get a national flight from Durban to Jo'burg. Our flight was also a stop over so that means I have to fly from Durban to Jo'burg to Bangkok to Melbourne. Sounds reasonable. Until 1Time Airline decided to go bankrupt leaving us stranded in Durban. Our only choice was to take the bus to Jo'burg. The bus people! You don't understand... In South Africa taking a bus is not just unglamorous it is playing Russian Roulette with your life - only with Russian Roulette there is more chance of survival.

This is what your average public transport looks like in SA.

As soon as I saw the bus I realised that I would have to grow some large balls. Our driver took our luggage and with a few groans chucked it into the depth of the bus. I am sure I heard something shatter. He then chased us onto the bus and told us to find a place. We were not allowed our seats that we had booked, those were apparently reserved for some hitch hiking hookers. I heard my mom calling him a Shit. I had to sit next to a really smelly man and my mom got a farting old lady - We were thrilled! I said hello to my apparent hobo companion, he just ignored me. His hands were so brown for a white man, that Boksburg kind of dirty - where you just knew he was on some kind of cheap Heroine. Our bus took only five hours to get to OR Thambo International (it should have taken eight). I kept hearing a strange knocking sound. I thought it was my bag but mom said it was a loose axle. Fook I was so happy to arrive alive! This is me post bus ordeal.

Take the bus they said, it will be fun they said!

After a ten hour flight my mom and I landed in Bangkok. I wish that I had more time to spend in this country. Thailand is just an amazing country for a visit, but for the two hours that I spent in the airport... Total shit hole! We landed at 5am - it was already 30 degrees Celsius and climbing. The air is so humid you look and feel as though you are in a sauna (I actually love this kind of weather). The first thing we did was check in for our next flight, this involved going through border control. I don't think Bangkok sees many South Africans because the stares I got at the airport, especially from children, made me feel like a real foreigner.

One bus trip and one flight meant that I had not
slept in two days. This smile is fake people.
There is no wonder the Asian community were staring!

The boarder security is really strict in Thailand. You know that feeling when you drive past the police and you know you have nothing to hide but you feel guilty anyway? Well that is what it is like in the airport. Everybody assumes that if you are foreign you have a kilo of coke up your bum-bum. I damn near got strip searched just for smiling at an officer! My mom and I had to remove our belts, jewellery and shoes before going through an x-ray machine. Our bags were then searched. It is really embarrassing to have all your make-up displayed on the counter, the officer held up my fake eyelashes and asked me what  I use them for. You try explaining that to a man that barely speaks English! I then had my cleanser, deodorant and Spritzer confiscated because they were over the 100ml limit. It is a terrible thing to see expensive cosmetics being thrown in the bin. The least they could have done is given them to the homeless. Might I just add that the border security guard did allow me to keep my scissors - obviously they were not as dangerous as my R800 cleanser! Bastards!

I did manage to sneak a shot of our sexy hostesses, yowzer Asians are hot!

After having my soul and my dignity taken from me I was released onto the plane. There was a really large Australian woman who wore a silk pinafore,  the kind you are forced to wear to your sisters wedding as her bridesmaid. Her arms were bare except for two really large smokers patches. She kept shouting at her husband and telling him to find her her seat. The poor man was then verbally assaulted by an air hostess for pushing in line. I ordered a whiskey.



Just a light refreshment.

I love Thai Airways, our attendant kept topping up my glass. Next thing I knew I was woken up by my mom as we landed in Melbourne. Finally after leaving on Friday I had arrived to a beautiful night time city scape on Sunday. I was about to step off the plane when a large burly woman, the one with the smoking patches, pushed me out of her way. Her spindly husband following in her wake with all their luggage in tow.

I do not look good after two days with no sleep!

Finally I had arrived, I was safe and back on solid ground. My Uncie and cousin were there to rescue mom and I. The first wildlife I saw in Aus...The biggest mo-fo spider you have ever seen! I realised I will need even bigger balls to visit Australia!

This friends is only part one of my wonderful trip, there is more fun to be had. Love you all!

Madam Zingara; El Milagro

This waiter wished that he had never run away from home to join the circus.

Have you ever seen a clown? I grew up in the 90s. Ask any 90s kid what they fear the most and they will scream "CLOWNS" before collapsing in a heap of their own faecal matter and tears. I am the same, just the thought has sent me into a fit of shivers. I blame it on the 1990 Stephen King movie IT, the worst movie ever created. I can say with one-hundred percent confidence this movie has caused a public epidemic. So when I was greeted by a hideous clown at Madam Zinagra's, I nearly died!

I have tried to keep this horrifying image
small, I am so, so sorry if this ruins your life!
LOOK AWAY!

I have wanted to see a Madam Zingara show since I heard about it last year. To be honest the talk was a lot less about the show than about the signature dish; the chilli chocolate steak. I love Cirque du Soleil, I love chocolate and I love to eat. This is the perfect show for me. So when our department was offered free tickets to go, I snapped up the opportunity! Luckily the clown in the parking lot was the only one I saw that night - and I saw him only once (no doubt he was stabbed to death by a mob of angry twenty some-things).
The first thing I did was take a million photos. The tent is one of the last remaining old mirrored tents. Her name is Victoria and she is truly a sight to behold. Her surrounds look like what you would expect from any carnie - but classier. All of the guests were dressed up to a slightly adult theme which created the most amazing atmosphere.

This is us, just hanging out on a car...

Trying as she did, the girl couldn't wrap her tongue around that lolly! 

Whilst waiting for our show to begin we headed to one of the many bars for a tequila and a G&T, where we met a beautiful Mexican man (well he was from Durban, but dressed as a Mexican) and bought him a few shots- just as lubrication, he already had his shirt off! We spent a fortune - only to have a waiter bring us a tray of free cocktails!
For those who forgot to dress up there was Bijoux Boutique, which sold everything from feather boas to a strange banana penis which squirted out some kind of liquid on unsuspecting circus goers. But all in the name of fun. I couldn't wait for my boss to see it. Speaking of boss, the man was late. By the time Madam Zingara ushered us into our little booth he was still trudging around the parking lot.

Not your average boutique.

Eventually boss arrived, and so did our wonderful waitress. We all ordered the legendary steak and settled in with two bottles of dry white to enjoy the show. I just have to tell you that when our amuse bouche  came it was carried by a waiter...a Mexican man waiter. That bastard had been drinking our tequilas all night (which we had been trying to get him drunk on) and was now going to be serving our meals. Shiza!

Inside our Victoria, it is a cosy place...

This is what Victoria's insides look like. Take note of her velvety texture, her beautiful stained glass windows and mirrors. Her stage is central making her a supper theatre in the round. And that heart... I love hearts!

After some of the most spectacular performances, finally the moment I had been waiting for... my chilli chocolate steak arrived. And what a surprise it was...it had hair. My boss, after much inspection, picked up his potato hair ball and asked us "What does one do with this"? We all made a little pile of hair on a spare plate and dug into our main. I am not sure exactly what it was that I expected to taste. I expected an angel chorus - the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end... Do you know what it tasted like? That meal that I had waited two years to sample? It tasted like a very rare steak covered in chocolate sauce. This is what my guru Phuntsog has been telling me about, my earthly expectations were too high and I ended up with disappointment. I make a mental note to share this experience with my Buddhist class. Not that it was not good. It was OK. I just preferred the pasta.

Chilli Chocolate meh... Looks good though.

The sexy Mongolian Contortionist was on next. Much to the crowd's, or rather the men's, appreciation. There was a point where one could not tell her inside from her outside, her up from her down or her ass from her face. My stomach felt unsettled. I was not the only one. During the applause and fox whistles, my boss turned to me in horror and shrieked "That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen"! As amazing as her abilities are, I am glad we ate in between the acts because I could barely keep that steak down. There were some amazing Russian strong men. They were my favourite act, and they finished the show off with a bang!

Ziggy the Mongolian Contortionist.

Russian strength act.

On our right the Mongolian Contortionist - nuff said. To our left the Russian Strongmen - note how their skimpy outfits reveal their talent. And below our very own South African act. Who doesn't love a slippery wet bath scene...I am told that those in the front were not as pleased! 

Christine loves a bath!

What an amazing show. I would definitely recommend it, and I will definitely be going again next year. The best part about the evening was being able to spend it with good friends. Oh and Hot Mr. C-  Yes I almost forgot this amazing, strange creature. I guess he is the resident clown - but I was not afraid of him. In fact I am quite tolerant of clowns now, especially this one.

Hot Mr. C and me.