Christmas Concert at The City Hall

The City Hall in all its splendor

Christmas Carols. Yes I said it. I went to a Christmas Carol evening, but it was sponsored by our company so really I was at a work function, lets call it a work function!

I hate Christmas...

I am the Grinch. I absolutely hate Christmas. I hate the tacky décor. I hate that we pretend there is snow when we live in the Southern hemisphere. I hate that you have to get all anxious about your presents and have to pretend to be happy when you are given grey panties. Most of all I hate that there are people who are too poor to celebrate Christmas and this puts me in the worst mood around December. AND THE SHITTY CAROLS! I hate Jingle Bells, I hate Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and I absolutely cannot stand that awful abortion that is The Little Drummer Boy! Mince pies yuck! Those Christmas cakes that are one hundred years old and filled with brandy- not edible and that pudding with money in it... How does one get excited about a cake filled with five cent pieces that inevitably shatter your teeth - and the pudding is shit anyway! You see what I mean? I really hate Christmas.

I love this man! I love anybody
that brings me food!

There I was in my Sunday best off to The City Hall to watch a Christmas Carol evening, I took Luli just so I wouldn't have to suffer alone. I was already in a bad mood - it being Christmas and all. The skies were pouring and my windscreen wipers decided not to work. So we drove in the storm, Luli with his arm out the window manually operating the windscreen wiper and myself laughing hysterically.
When we got to the City Hall I was greeted by a man I could only assume was a colleague.  We chatted as we walked but I could not introduce him to Luli because I really did not know his name. I felt so terrible because here this man was, being all sweet and I had not a clue who he was. As soon as we entered the hall he was met by his family and what a relief... he thought I was his daughter and Luli was my husband (how does one forget what their own child looks like)! Thank God I could blame it all on him!

Partying at the City Hall balcony... awww!

I loved the show! I really expected to be bored out of my mind but Singing those carols really made it fun. Now don't get me wrong, I still hate Christmas, but any evening that encompasses a sing-along and a lot of wine really makes a great evening out. I am sitting here hoarse with a hangover and I have such fond memories of the beautiful City Hall with its organ and disco lights. Oh and it is such fun to sing: Gloooooo hooooo hoooo hooo hooooo (breath) hoooo hooooria 

"I fucking love Christmas!"

The highlight of the evening has to be when the jazz singer Natalie Rungan finished a Maria Carey Christmas song and a really old granny squawked "NO MORE"! Natalie was all taken aback and a little hurt, but the granny's family quickly covered up for her and yelled: "SHE SAID ENCORE"! Ya right...
The worst thing that happened; Local singer Ruby Gill played The Little Drummer Boy - TWICE Fuuuuck seriously twice, my worst carol... with her brother actually playing the drums.



I asked some my colleagues what their worst Christmas gift was (they all asked to remain anonymous), here are their responses:

"It was this belt...the most hideous belt you have ever seen. It was bejewelled,  huge and blingy.  If you had taken the time to get to know me you would never have bought it."

"I once got a bicycle pump...I don't own a bicycle."

"I think the worst gift was a hot dog warmer...there is a steel pipe where the roll does and a metal cage for the sausages."

"Oh ya - Nothing... Not a single gift was the worst gift of all."

"I once got a little thing that you stick your hand in when you have painted your nails and it blows on them... a nail polish dryer."

"Tupperware - it was from the latest range I was told."

"Last year I received umbrella covers. They are like plastic tubes that you put over your closed umbrella." 

The fucks going on here?

I suddenly remembered the worst gift I had ever received; it was an avo with two drawn-on eyes! I was busy recounting this tale with much hilarity when I suddenly remembered that this was actually a gift that I had given someone! To that person (I think it was Megan Legan) I am so sorry... But serves you right for loving Christmas!

Here are my top Christmas hates:

1. Spending money on other people.

 2. Boney M Christmas CD -    Especially that Drummer Boy crap!

 3. Turducken! Who stuffs a duck which is obviously pregnant with a chicken into a turkey? Who does this? And here we have our G list ZAleb Nataniel pretending he is actually going to cook this Frankenstein!

4. The mall at Christmas (in fact I hate a crowded mall at any time of year). 
5. And also why do we put fake snow and Santa in his winter kit when we live in the Southern Hemisphere!WHY!

6. That bastard neighbour who trashes your street-cred with his tacky night time graffiti.









7. Christmas lights. Is it their sneaky plan to get all tangled? I always pack mine away nicely - it is as if they spend all year deliberately tangling and knotting themselves just so that they can laugh at you when you spend days trying to put them up!

This is probably on their
wish list too.

8. This intellectual fecal matter has actually made the New York Times best selling Paperback Trade Fiction of 2012, which means that there are many horny housewives who have added it to their wishlist.

I was lucky enough to get a pic of the actual Santa here.

9. You can't even enjoy the food because there is too much of it. You end up bloated on the couch all sad because that Christmas chocolate looks so yummy and you just can't fit it in!

10. Zwarte Piet, the Dutch equivalent of Santa's little helpers. What kind of Racist Bullshit is this!

I hate Christmas but I love you! Here's wishing you all the most merry Christmas filled with love and family and cheer and chocolate - And alcohol - plenty of alcohol. Love you!

Yes Santa take it all bitch!

Australian Trip: The animals

 

I have not been this afraid since Britney Spears shaved her head.
Those big rat-bastards ate all three bags of my Kangoo - Kibble and when that was finished they ate the bags too! 

Now as you already know I have seen a Huntsman spider. Actually I have seen three of these evil bastards. But this amazing country has a lot more to offer than just a mother of a huge spider (they are the size of dinner plates- lord help me). As soon as I got here I had to have a look at the country's big two, that would be the kangoo's and Koalas. But I really really wanted to get my hands on a Wombat and a Platypus.

The Sightings

I will have you know I spotted a Possum on my first day. He apparently lives in a box of old rags in my uncles shed. Upon the sound of rustling coming from a nearby tree. My mother did proclaim that we were under attack, and that there were men hiding in the bushes waiting to rape and pillage our home! My uncie, a former South African, understood her terror, but reassured her that it was a Brushtail Possum and that it meant no harm. I was lucky enough to see both the Brushtail and Ringtail Possum (the Ringtail lived in a tree in my cousins yard, he would wait for the stray cat to leave and then eat all the goodies in the veggie patch).
Interesting facts: There are hundreds of street merchants all over Melbourne who sell Possum knit jerseys. Apparently they are one of the worlds warmest hollow-fibres. Unfortunately one does not simply shave a Possum, hey must be hunted.



Kooki perched on top of Cocky.

I was also lucky enough to see my Uncies resident Kookaburra (top left). Every evening he is to be found between Cocki's cage or the washing line swooping down to eat some worms.
Cocki is my uncles pet Yellow-crested Cockatoo. In South Africa we pay thousands for one of these ugly parrots, but here they are native. I am told that they often will flock in and run riot over a farmers crop leaving chaos and destruction in there wake. It is for this reason that farmers will often go out and shoot hundreds of them, they are like Australia's Pigeon. Cocky was a patient at my uncles veterinary practice having suffered a broken wing. He was nursed back to health in Uncies yard and then released. Cocky obviously favours his cage because whenever he is released he just flies onto the porch and knocks on a window until somebody puts him back in his cage. I was lucky enough to see a whole flock of Cockys sitting in a tree.
Interesting Facts: Once kept in captivity it is unlawful to release a Cockatoo, obviously Cocky is a straight and narrow kinda guy.

Chilling!
Koalas do not like to get wet!

On the second day of my holiday we were off to spot some wild Koalas. I searched high and low on our trip to Apollo Bay when suddenly I spotted one. We all jumped out of the car and took about a billion photos of this one guy high up on a branch. But friends I will give you the best advice - I wish someone had told me his fact - One should not be spotting Koalas, it is best to look out for a large congregation of cars and tourist buses. As we turned the corner from our poor lonesome Koala we spotted the rest of the heard, hundreds of them sitting (and shitting) above all the tourists below. I am told that it is rare to see them in the wild, but there were hundreds.
Interesting Facts: Koalas are not friends, they are scary as hell and if you get close enough to one their body odour is incredibly pungent, an obvious deterring mechanism. If this fails they are host to razor sharp teeth and claws like a ninety-year-old grandmas feet.  

Lucky to be alive.
I took this pic before he started scratching
and moulting all over my jacket.

Kangaroo... Just the way I like it!

On our third day adventure we set off to Ballarat Wildlife Park to feed some Kangaroos and to see my beloved Wombat and Platypus. I have never been so excited in my life! Kangaroos everywhere! I was so delighted when a little Joey hopped my way and ate his Kangaroo- kibbles from my hand. I was lulled into a false sense of security by this bastard. He had obviously told his gang of Kangoos and before I knew it they were in attack mode. I barely made it out alive. I was lucky to see these creatures two weeks later in their natural habitat (that is to say a farmers crop). I had to zoom in on this pic, but there you go, in the middle left corner those bastards are bouncing  about. In a kind of poetic justice, after taking this pic I settled down to a nice Kangaroo roast.

Interesting Facts: Kangaroos cannot be farmed as they are a national emblem. They are however hunted for their meat as it is lean and tasty, the hunting also acts to cull the population. Also there is a lot to say about a Kangaroos genitals but I will leave it to you to google those facts... 

Pickles is five-months-old.

I am in love with his little piggy snout.

Here he is; Pickles the baby Wombat! I was so so excite to scratch his little baby head! I want a little Wombie soo bad! And then I got to see the Hairy- nosed Wombat. Slightly larger than the common Wombat but so damn cute!

Interesting Facts: Wombats make cubed poops! I do not understand the intricacies of their sphincters, but there you go... Cubes!

Ahhh nature you are so... Cubist!

I am yet to see my elusive Platypus in the wild. I am told that they are very rare and extremely shy, but I was lucky enough to spot one at the mall.
 

Platypus... Not quite what I expected, but in Australia you expect the unexpected!

After all is said and done I must admit that I do actually have love for the Kangaroo and the Koala and I hope to see them again very soon.

 

After finishing all his kibble, Boris ate the bag as well!