Shit - I think I realised why I am still single!

Look at me working so hard - couldn't do this all day if I weren't single...

Friends please forgive my absence. I am going through some big changes which I shall reveal in due time - but mostly I just work too fucking hard so I haven't managed to write. Forgiveness?

But after this week-long sabbatical I came back to facebook and fuck -me if my sluttiest friend isn't in a relationship! Yes it has finally happened.
I work too hard to contribute to a meaningful relationship, I know this, but it still sucks when I get a plus-one to an event and I have to go alone. People don't like it ether - it's as if there is something wrong with you if you are single.

I had to go to the travel doctor for a yellow fever shot earlier this week. As usual I screamed and complained and the doctor just said: "You should have brought your boyfriend."
I replied that I don't have one. His reply was to jump back and exclaim: "SHAME MAN!" What a reaction. Then I had to do the old: "No really it's not a shame, I am perfectly all right" etc.Then he acts all terrified because I am going travelling on my own. Really! What has happened in people's minds that makes it unacceptable for a young woman to be single?
Would it be better for me to be in a relationship purely because I don't want to be alone? I can go to events alone and not have to worry about my partners well-being or if they are bored and if they are happy. 

As sad as this might sound to some, we are born alone and we will die alone. I believe that we should get comfortable with ourselves before we introduce another party to the equation. Being alone doesn't mean being lonely either. 


If you are the future Mr Sweet you will have to be a very strong character, with a hobby so that I won't have to entertain you all the time. You will have to be happy and kind and secure in the fact that we are two separate people whose lives co-exist. I don't believe  that people complete each other because you must be a whole person before you get into a relationship.

Whilst waiting for the future Mr Sweet, I take comfort in the fact that I have lived my life in my own way. And I will wait for the first wave of divorcees because I think I will be single for a while...

Look how pensive and single I am! One cannot think if there are boys around!

How to make a girl love you

This is me eating sand on my horse because I own that bitch.

“Baby you know you are beautiful,” said the skinny car guard at Woolworths. 

First of all: Who is ‘Baby’? No, I don’t know anything about beauty. If you are a woman you know what I am talking about. When a hobo tells you: "Ek gaan jou naai" [I am going to F you]. You just want to jump out the car and yell "YES, YES! this is what I have been waiting for all my life. I am yours. Take me now!" NO!

I was this tall when I was ten years old. 5 foot 6 and very skinny. My hair was dark and my skin pasty. Not a looker. For some reason I stayed that height and whilst I was once called a giant - I am now referred to as a midget. The boys teased me. I remember one spotty kid getting right into my face and saying: "You are a fucking ugly toad." I believed him.

This story is not unique, all of my friends hated what they looked like growing up - and all of my friends are beautiful people. My favourite story comes from two sisters. They weren't the popular girls in school and so weren't allowed to 'hang' with the cool girls. That was until the popular girls were playing 'princess princess' and needed horses. They played with the popular girls that day...

Life can be cruel, but it seems to even itself out in the end. The boy who called me a toad has a giant 'Billabong' tattoo on his back. He also has no hair and seems to have stopped growing at around 5ft. He asked me out at age 16 and I had a wonderful time telling him to go crumb himself. The popular 'princesses' are fat and single and my friends who played their steeds have wonderful boyfriends and banging bodies. 

Basically Mr car guard If you want a girl to pay you attention don't call her beautiful. She won't believe you. Don't say you want to naai her ether. That's just gross. Tell her she is the smartest girl you have met. Better yet, say she is funny (not funny looking though - that won't work) and intelligent - I guarantee it will make her day. I cannot, however, guarantee that she will naai you - especially if you are a hobo.