How to make a girl love you

This is me eating sand on my horse because I own that bitch.

“Baby you know you are beautiful,” said the skinny car guard at Woolworths. 

First of all: Who is ‘Baby’? No, I don’t know anything about beauty. If you are a woman you know what I am talking about. When a hobo tells you: "Ek gaan jou naai" [I am going to F you]. You just want to jump out the car and yell "YES, YES! this is what I have been waiting for all my life. I am yours. Take me now!" NO!

I was this tall when I was ten years old. 5 foot 6 and very skinny. My hair was dark and my skin pasty. Not a looker. For some reason I stayed that height and whilst I was once called a giant - I am now referred to as a midget. The boys teased me. I remember one spotty kid getting right into my face and saying: "You are a fucking ugly toad." I believed him.

This story is not unique, all of my friends hated what they looked like growing up - and all of my friends are beautiful people. My favourite story comes from two sisters. They weren't the popular girls in school and so weren't allowed to 'hang' with the cool girls. That was until the popular girls were playing 'princess princess' and needed horses. They played with the popular girls that day...

Life can be cruel, but it seems to even itself out in the end. The boy who called me a toad has a giant 'Billabong' tattoo on his back. He also has no hair and seems to have stopped growing at around 5ft. He asked me out at age 16 and I had a wonderful time telling him to go crumb himself. The popular 'princesses' are fat and single and my friends who played their steeds have wonderful boyfriends and banging bodies. 

Basically Mr car guard If you want a girl to pay you attention don't call her beautiful. She won't believe you. Don't say you want to naai her ether. That's just gross. Tell her she is the smartest girl you have met. Better yet, say she is funny (not funny looking though - that won't work) and intelligent - I guarantee it will make her day. I cannot, however, guarantee that she will naai you - especially if you are a hobo.