Lesbians, surfers and the worst massages - A conclusion

Finally! The video is here! I told you the UBER COOL 3rd Birthday at Origin was amazing! Now you get to see for yourself! What an awesome vid. (Lemme know if you recognise the sexy beast that appears at 2mins 1sec!) Here's a clue...its me!

Durban July

Look at me sandwiched between two blonde's!

My friend commented that this year's Durban July theme is the same as it has always been: C U Next Tuesday (except that he used the acronym)! Looking around the crowd I most certainly agree, isn't it just wonderful! The first time I went to this event I saw the most beautiful woman. It was 2007, when the Boho - chic look was all the rage. She wore a sheer - white - chiffon Gypsy top as a dress, and absolutely nothing else but a white thong underneath. It was glorious! So this year I decided to honour her by wearing a sheer - blue chiffon top with nothing underneath. Not quite as daring, but it was my homage to the woman that left such an imprint on me.



For those of you who have not experienced it yet, The Vodacom Durban July handicap is South Africa's largest annual thoroughbred horse race held on the first Saturday of July since 1897, at the Greyville Racecourse in Durban. Basically, it is an excuse for people to parade around in fabulous clothes, socialise and drink. And for the high rollers to bet on horses. This year's main race was for a cool 3 Million Rand, won by Pomodoro, and ridden by Piere 'Striker' Strydom.One thing that you absolutely must experience is the race commentators during the main race. It is an absolute hilarity the way they commentate in the traditional manner of speaking at an absolute pace, but then dragging the last syllable of every sentence in a way that sounds as if they have a blocked nose. This year was particularly funny because the two horses: Pomodoro and Smanjemanje were neck and neck on the final straight. Block your nose and say Smanjemanje!  

Neck and neck is Pomodoro and Smanjemanjeeeeeeeeeee

I took full advantage of my position in the media, having received free entrance, free picnic site, free entry into the G&G Marquee and some sort of "VIP" entry into one of the local nightclubs. (I think they just call it VIP so it sounds posh, when it's really just a scam to get more girls into the club - I was not fooled). It all sounds rather glam, but the truth is that all the free booze meant that I was unable to fully appreciate all these gifts. I had not learned from the past and was found drinking in the sun. By the time it got dark I had no intention of going anywhere. I ended up at the G&G Marquee with one of my girls, drunk, and trying to fit in with our posh counterparts, (you know, the ones that actually paid R980 for their tickets). I do believe they saw right through more than my blouse.

Many names thrown away at the G&G Marquee 

We had landed right there in the mother ship of ZAlebs. Mingling with 2000 guests, we were bound to bump into a few familiar faces; Gareth Cliff,  Roger Goode, DJ Fresh, ChinoSky, Veranda Panda, DJ Blair, Sp!ndoctor and company were there to entertain. Scandal of the night  (for me any-ways) was Lyndall Jarvis and South Africa's number one surfer, Jordy Smith looking all cosy on the couches next to us. Forgive me friends, but what happened to the fiancée Denton Blomquist? And the fiancée before that? Don't get me wrong - I love surfers, but that Denton was a peach!  

Gareth Cliff - apparently bi now - certainly knows how to
work that mike like a little bitch...I mean that in a fellatio kinda way!

Boring...

I dated Denton's cousin Ed -
Just have to brag!  

How do you  go from


<THIS

To THIS>          


                    


                                                                                                              






I learned many lessons that night. 
First: Do not wear heels to the July, I do it every year and I regret it every year. If you must, make sure that you stand properly - like a lady because there are cameras everywhere. You put yourself in that situation - deal with it baby!
Second: Yes, you look hot in that prostitute skirt, but take a jacket. You will look very unglamorous when you are shivering like a scared, wet rat because the wind has picked up and the sun has gone down in the middle of July.
Third: Do not make friends with the Aussies you made out with the night before. Once you sober up you will realise that they have been yelling "She's only with me for the passport" the entire day. 
Forth: Do not order the Debonairs Tikka Chicken, it's damn hot! And never, never order it when drunk, that hot sauce will end up everywhere, in your eyes, nose, ears...not pleasant! And wash your hands before going to the loo, I said BEFORE!
Fifth: Friends, do not get into the first taxi you see, it is cheap for a reason.


While I did not go to the Durban July for the horse racing, there was one race that I really paid attention to; The Thirteenth race. You know... the one at the end where the men folk take all their clothes off and do the hundred meter dash down the straight. Excellent...

Please bring back the horses!

Top Gear, Big money Ching Ching

Jeremy Clarkson's electric car Geoff from S14 E2.

Ahhhh, old money, so classy, can you smell it?

There is a difference between old money and new money. Old money dictates that one should never talk about how much money one has. Old money does not need to dress in bling, its fashion is understated - glamorous but understated. You see, Old money does not need to advertise its wealth because everybody already knows how filthy rich it is. It is OK, for example, for Old money to have a house full of tatty ragged carpets, those, my dear, are silk Isfahan rugs from central Persia, circa 1600 dontcha know! "Yes that horrid one there was given to me by my great aunt Winifred, and I simply cannot get rid of it" Old money says.

New money, on the other hand, does not know the meaning of the word: understated. New money is only satisfied with a carpet if it is sparkling - solid gold with real diamonds and rubies, and even then it is only happy if the carpet is on the latest episode of Cribs. New money rubs its fortune in every bodies face, exclaiming loudly "twenty million for a dog bowl - such a steal, I'll have two"!

New money... Is it necessary to have a TV in your trunk?
No, but my neighbour doesn't have one so I win! 

Nothing screams new money like a pimped out car, and at this year's Top Gear Festival in Durban one could not help but be deafened by the screams! Yes friends, I was there. And it was wonderful! I am a huge fan so I could not pass up the opportunity to see my beloved Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond. My colleges were equally thrilled because it meant that I could finally give an answer to the question: Is Richard - The Hamster- Hammond really that small? Yes, yes the answer is yes, the man is short! 

Here he is inside his new pink sports car!

 The eThekwini Metro and provincial government has set aside R31 million to host this festival over the next three years, and I would say that this is money well spent. The Moses Mabhida Stadium, Peoples Park and Street Circuit were used to host Top Gear's biggest live event in front of their largest audience to date. There were so many sexy cars and bottles of champers; I had to keep my eye out for my future husband. I actually had a hard time keeping my eyes on anything other than alcohol and it turns out that it is a very bad idea to drink in the sun. 

Look at this beauty! I heard several women complaining that they would have to  slide away from her.
Looking under foot I did notice that the ground had become a bit slippery!

By the time I got into the stadium to watch the main show I was positively fooked! Do not despair, I soon sobered up when the beloved trio entered the stadium. 
I saw chariots made of Vespa's, I saw car football, a man doing flips over sports cars, car skittles and of course the new Top Gear trick on every bodies lips... The Deadly 720 Loop, a world first. 
These stunts were amazing and you can watch them in your own time on Youtube. 

Kie Willis does a side flip

But I need to show you a specific incident which took place at this festival in order to demonstrate what happens when new money enters into a space which is traditionally reserved for old money. (Be advised, this video is not suitable for a sensitive audience, it is in fact very disturbing! You have been warned).

This behaviour is typical of new money. You see, no matter how rich you have become, there will always be that element of your personality which is better suited to its old lifestyle… in the trailer park. The truth is that a Hood Rat will always be a Hood Rat, even if you paid lots of money for a car show.